Red Kites Life

  Over the years I've not spent that much time on myself.  About 15 years ago I signed up for a challenge. I would be a member of a sailing crew and I wanted to be a great team member, so I invested time in getting fitter and stronger so I wouldn't let the side down. I got into the best shape I'd ever been in (with the seriously unexpected side effect of losing all interest in consuming alcohol, even before I'd ever heard of Dry January)!  So, I guess I was working on me, and obviously getting fit cannot ever be described as a waste of time, but I didn't do it for ME. I did it for the team, for US. So when the team fell apart in some spectacular circumstances, I lost the reason to carry on that path and lost the gains I'd made. But since I've been working on my alcohol free life, and also working on my nutrition and my health, it's become really obvious that I'm working on ME for my own sake, not for anyone else. And it takes up a LOT of time! I...

  Yesterday we looked at the Marshmallow Experiment from the perspective of the rewards we might get for delayed gratification.  Today I want to look at the strategies that the children adopted when faced with a 15 minute wait for the promised reward. Now clearly for a 5 year old, 15 minutes in a stark university research room, sitting at a table with a marshmallow in front of you will feel like infinite lifetimes of terminal boredom!  But their distraction and avoidance techniques are likely to be natural ones that we as adults are able to leverage successfully in our own lives. The Stanford marshmallow experiment is important because it demonstrated that effective delay is not achieved by merely thinking about something other than what we want, but rather, it depends on suppressive and avoidance mechanisms that reduce frustration (my emphasis).  Read that again. It's not just about thinking about something else. It's about finding ways to suppress and avoid ...

If you haven't already heard of the Marshmallow Experiment it's worth Googling.  In fact, even if you have heard of it, it's worth reading up more about it, as a lot of the early conclusions (from 1970) have now been challenged.  Additionally, many of the conclusions have been employed somewhat "flexibly" in various contexts, from child development to sales management, to assert that if you didn't learn to resist one marshmallow for fifteen minutes in the pursuit of two when you were 5 years old, you will fail to find academic, professional, personal or financial success in your later life.  In fact this conclusion has now been debunked. Why? The original experiments were conducted on children in the Stanford University childcare facility ie these were children of gifted, intelligent, educated, potentially privileged adults whose backgrounds were already likely to lead to their children becoming successful later in life. When the experiments were repeated wit...

In an earlier blog we looked at the six stages of change. Today I want to look at what you might hear, mostly from yourself, at each stage.  This is naturally based on my own experience.  You may hear some of these, none of these, all of these and more besides. I share this because I think it helps us to be aware of the voices we might hear, mostly internal. It also helps us to plan for how we will respond, especially if those thoughts and voices catch us off guard.    Pre-contemplation : I'm not drinking as much as them. I don't do anything ridiculous when I'm drunk and I've never been arrested. I drank more when I was younger and I always drink with meals and never on my own. My doctor knows how much I drink and she's never told me to cutdown or stop. OK, it's more than the official limits but what's the harm? Contemplation : There's a lot of calories in booze and maybe trying dry for a bit could help me lose some weight. Booze is so expensive these...

This is the goal-setting page in the Try Dry app (or here on Google Play ). Now I'm a bit of a crazy mixed up kid when it comes to goals! I like goals I think I can achieve. I like goals I can see myself achieving in my head. But goals that are "too big" don't work for me. I like a time-frame that seems manageable, rather than one that makes me feel like I'm condemned to fail even before I started. 75Hard is for example a total no-go for me for this reason alone. In the app you might sign up to complete DryJanuary or Sober Spring, or you can also choose a whole range of goals to start, and stop, at any time of the year you please.  You can set a goal that's Dry, Dry on a certain number of days, or reducing your consumption ie you can make it realistic and achievable, and it's totally personal, not dictated by someone else's idea of what a "proper" goal should look like, or what "success" looks like or what "failure" means...

Certain gurus in pretty much any field will tell you that they have "THE WAY".  This is how change happens.  And, naturally, I'm the only one to have worked it out. I'll give you a few pointers which maybe help you on your way, but you'll find yourself in a marketing funnel for products and services sharing my "secret sauce" with you, which will probably cost you a lot of money and a lot of time.  The problem with reading is that sooner or later you work out that there really is nothing new under the sun and that all these gurus have merely read the same books as you. Foolproof methods, unique approaches, new solutions, revolutionary programmes and trade-marked course titles are honestly the same old stuff, maybe cleverly packaged, maybe merged with other ideas, published in books or put on shiny websites. Yes, they have the personal tone of the individual concerned that we feel comfortable with, and there's their pratical experience which probably r...

If you've decided to take a break from alcohol or reduce your consumption, you're probably going to get asked why you're not drinking, especially if your friends know your usual drinking habits. Some people say you're never under any obligation to explain why you're not drinking, so one option is to say "it's none of your business".  Whilst this is true, I personally prefer a less confrontational approach.   I also think that "I don't want to talk about it" leaves the subject open to friends speculating and making too much of your decision. But whatever you decide, have your answer ready and say it confidently.  Any indecision leaves you open to being persuaded to change your mind with the classic "oh well, one won't matter then". Especially in the early days, you absolutely do not want to lay yourself open to being talked into consuming alcohol when you didn't want to.   Firstly, don't be afraid to consider ...

I've talked before about finding the most useful sources of guidance and support in moving to an alcohol free life other than with traditional "QuitLit" and sober resources. What kept my attention the most were books about habits and change (and the related question of self-discipline if you read yesterday's blog).  I stopped smoking about 15 years ago. One day, I left my office for lunch and was walking up Fleet Street and in the shadow of St Paul's Cathedral saw another City professional leaving his office building and lighting up a cigarette and pulling on that first drag as though his life depended on it, then cupping the cigarette in his hand as if he was embarrassed to be seen with it.  And in a flash I suddenly saw smoking as a drug, like other illegal ones. I don't do other drugs, so why do smoking? Plus obviously it's really not good for you. I don't want to behave like (or be seen as) someone who has this kind of dependency. Of course, it...

When I first started Dry January lots of people talked about QuitLit and recommended various books to help on the journey.  However, I totally failed to identify with any of the stories, journals or diaries. I was either too old, not a mum coping with kids or not working in a high-alcohol environment. And I had also not had a wake-up call or *rock bottom* moment that many of the stories talked about.  So I've tended to find my "QuitLit" in other places: mainly books and podcasts about change, building good habits, more factual books about the effects and harms of alcohol, and other reputable content about building a healthy lifestyle in all its forms. This has also included content on will-power (that gets a blog all of its own!) and self-discipline.  So no surprise that this book caught my eye. OK, the doughnut caught my eye! Which is actually a bit ironic considering what follows! I focused on the section entitled "The 5 mental hindrances to self-discipline" a...

I often remind people that, whatever your long term goal, reviewing and resetting your relationship with alcohol is a journey.  I know a lot of you have decided to set out on that journey on 1 September because it's the beginning of the month, or maybe 2 September cos that's a Monday and you already had plans for the weekend. Maybe you're back to school as a teacher or parent and the idea of starting a new term as you mean to carry on is something you can commit to.  But I want to focus on the comparison with a journey a bit more. Deciding to take a month (or longer) off alcohol is like deciding on your holiday destination. Now you need to work out how to get there. And what to pack. Basically, you need a plan.  If you live in Essex, a day trip to London is probably not complicated, and you may have done it so many times before that you don't even feel like it needs a plan at all.  By comparison, the longest overland road trip from Sagres in Portugal to Talon in East...

I was recently asked about my experience of alcohol harm.  My honest answer was “I haven’t had any experience of alcohol HARM.” No disasters, no loss, no tragedy, no ultimatums, no bereavements, no medical emergencies, no hospitalisations, no family rifts, no relationship breakdowns, no criminal convictions. Not even narrow escapes or wake-up calls. Not for me. Not for anyone in my family. I was just a regular person in a regular job regularly drinking “up to the limits”. Except when I drank more than the limits of course, often as part of work socialising, hospitality events and awards ceremonies, but also at home. Not dependent, not addicted, just habitual drinking, too much and too often. Some sections of the sober community call this “grey area drinking” although I don’t really understand why – when I write this down now, it’s totally clear it was too much, no ifs buts or maybes, and definitely no grey area about it for me! I don’t honestly remember why I had a go at Dry ...

I've been thinking about this for some time and I've finally come to the conclusion that my experience as "sober warrior" can help other "sober curious" individuals on their journey, whether that involves simply exploring the alcohol free lifestyle ("sober curious") or completely embracing life alcohol free ("sober committed").  The thing is, it's a journey. So many times I read people writing that they have "failed Dry January". The F word deserves a blog all of its own ... watch this space! But like all journeys, sometimes we take a wrong turn (occasionally our choice, occasionally persuaded by others). Sometimes we just can't summon the energy to progress today. Sometimes life intervenes and all our best plans are thrown to the wind.  It's also like babies learning to walk. No-one ever accused a baby of "failing" for falling over. We encourage them to get back up and try again. And each time they fall, t...

Spoiler alert : There's a reason why this blog is not accompanied by a picture.  Back in the day I worked in financial services. Ads for pension products were always accompanied by happy couples, mostly grey-haired, wearing white capri pants, strolling along a sandy beach, hand in hand, and evidently very happy with one another and their situation in life.  Illustrations of advisers almost always showed male advisers talking to couples, but clearly engaging with the male of the always heterosexual almost always white couple. As a single woman it was very easy to feel that product providers and advisers really weren't on the same wavelength.  Adviser firms used to (and still do) frame "the ideal client" in terms of business owners, those approaching retirement, widows or those who had recently come into an inheritance or other "sudden money" situation, including big City bonuses (those were the days!). Basically, I'm interested in you if you're rich a...

Have you already tried to stop drinking for a while? Or maybe you thought you'd slipped into drinking a bit more than is good for you and that it might be wise to cut back a bit?  If you're the kind of person who can just have one glass of wine or a pint of beer and then stop, then I'd hazard a guess that this blog and Dry January groups or other sober-curious communities probably aren't where you're at.  For the rest of us who find moderation somewhere between 'a challenge' and 'nigh on impossible' ... well, read on!   There's so many posts about people who are embarrassed that they cannot have just one drink, or who set out with the right intentions but then somehow a switch is flipped and they lose control and then drink to excess. This might be exacerbated by friends (not friends?) who seem to positively delight in watching us fall off the wagon.  There's a great deal of shame expressed, not only about what you might have done when under ...

  So if our brain likes to deal with familiar situations in familiar ways, and that involves reaching for a beer, or going to the pub, or pouring a glass of wine, we need to find other ways to behave in those familiar situations that do not involve alcohol. But we also need to make the new choice as easy as possible for our brains to accept.  Each individual's daily or weekly routine will be very different. So in mentoring we will explore those situations when your habit is to reach for alcohol. You can do this for yourself by thinking through a typical week and identifying when "choosing boozing" is simply a normal part of what you currently do. The specifics of each situation will help us identify alternative choices. Ideally we will also make those choices in advance, because decision-making on the hoof often results in sub-optimal choices (ie ones when the brain will ensure you revert to doing what you always do).  Some of these ideas may be relevant, others not so mu...

  "Habits are mental shortcuts learned from experience ... whenever the conditions are right, you can draw on this memory and automatically apply the same solutions ... habits reduce cognitive load and free up mental capacity, so you can allocate your attention to other tasks." [source : Atomic Habits, James Clear, Random House Business Book, 2018] Consuming alcohol has become a habit. It is a mental shortcut learned from experience. When we are tired, or angry, or anxious, or happy we learned that alcohol delivered something that made us feel better (however we individually defined that). So we learned to drink without thinking about it.  When you want to change your alcohol consumption there are two reasons why it can be hard:  1. Alcohol is actually addictive, working in your brain just like any other (illegal) drug. It alters our brain chemicals in a way that eases our emotions, albeit temporarily.  2. The physical habits we have built up around alcohol, whether ...

This is my weight. Starting weight was the heaviest I had ever been in all of my 55 years on the planet, and the start date was 1 January 2020. Although I started my alcohol free journey on the same day, I didn't start Dry January 2020 with the objective of losing weight. That (alongside improving my fitness) was a parallel journey because, honestly, I just decided I'd had enough and needed to get a grip. I have been on a diet for literally all of my adult life, obviously not totally successfully! I had had an exceptional period of work-related stress and anxiety - and my response, like it always has been, was to eat (and drink) to excess.  But this was the worst it had ever been. At this point I was also on anti-depressants to deal with my "low mood" and anxiety, but still drinking. And eating. Yeah, I know ...  So why am I sharing this with you now? It's to emphasise that I'm not mentoring clients from the point of view of being a lifestyle transformation su...

Yesterday we looked at discussing your plan to moderate or go alcohol free for a period with friends or colleagues. Today : the family!  Now, I know from some posts in the groups I belong to that some partners haven't even noticed that their significant others are taking a break from alcohol. This might work for you if you always pour your own drinks and leave each other to your drinking habits when you're together. But honestly, I think that's rare! And sooner or later I think there's going to be a discussion, so always best in my view to be prepared, even if it's not something that needs to be done right away!   How this is tackled can vary depending on  which family members you are talking to (parents, siblings, partners, children are all likely to have different responses and raise different questions) the extent to which alcohol-fuelled gatherings matter to your family, or are "traditional" (how are we going to have a great family Christmas if you...

So you've decided to take a break from alcohol or reduce your consumption. Unless you live alone and never go out or meet anyone, you're probably going to get asked why you're not drinking, especially if your friends know your usual drinking habits. A lot depends who is asking, so this blog looks at friends or colleagues, and tomorrow I'll take a look at family discussions. Some people will say you're never under any obligation to explain why you're not drinking, so one option is to say "it's none of your business".   Whilst this is true, I personally prefer a slightly less confrontational approach.   I also think that "I don't want to talk about it" leaves the subject open to friends speculating and making too much of your decision. But whatever you decide, have your answer ready and say it confidently. Any indecision leaves you open to being persuaded to change your mind and especially in the early days you absolutely do not w...

Nervous? Don't be! Everyone on the dry or moderating journey had a Day 1. However many days sober warriors have lived through, each and every one of us had a Day 1. Several of us (yes, me too) had more than one Day 1. Some people have many Day 1s.  But you are you, and this is your journey to be travelled in a way that works for you. Plus you are here ready to start, which already puts you ahead of all those people who haven't even given it a moment's thought.  So, let's make some plans to make sure YOUR Day 1 is as successful as it can be. 1. Get your existing supplies of alcohol out of the fridge for sure, and preferably out of your home. Put the tins and bottles in the garage, under the stairs, in the boot of your car, leave them with a friend. Never was 'out of sight, out of mind' more appropriate than now.  2. Buy in supplies of what you will plan to drink instead. Remember you will probably be saving money by not buying alcohol, so if it's at all possi...