I've talked before about finding the most useful sources of guidance and support in moving to an alcohol free life other than with traditional "QuitLit" and sober resources. What kept my attention the most were books about habits and change (and the related question of self-discipline if you read yesterday's blog).
I stopped smoking about 15 years ago. One day, I left my office for lunch and was walking up Fleet Street and in the shadow of St Paul's Cathedral saw another City professional leaving his office building and lighting up a cigarette and pulling on that first drag as though his life depended on it, then cupping the cigarette in his hand as if he was embarrassed to be seen with it.
And in a flash I suddenly saw smoking as a drug, like other illegal ones. I don't do other drugs, so why do smoking? Plus obviously it's really not good for you. I don't want to behave like (or be seen as) someone who has this kind of dependency. Of course, it's not the same thing at all, but my brain flipped a switch, and I didn't want any more of it.
I stopped smoking for Lent, using nicotine patches to help the transition. Then I actually went out that Easter Sunday to buy a new packet of Silk Cut. And then caught myself. And thought this is ridiculous. I've stopped for 6 weeks. I can live without them. It's clearly a good decision to stop smoking for so many reasons. I know I *only* gave up for Lent and now it's not Lent any more, but why on earth would I even contemplate starting again? It's just a habit attached to an addiction. The addiction is gone, so now I must work on the habits (smoking whilst having a drink, smoking after a meal, smoking before and after my commute, smoking with my boyfriend and so on).
And then of course I could only ask myself the same question at the end of DJ2020. WHY would I start consuming alcohol again? I was beginning to undertand that, like smoking, the addiction part was gone, and now I needed to work on the habits (drinking at the pub while waiting for my takeaway, drinking with a meal, drinking on getting home from work, drinking with my husband and so on).
This is why I've found so much more support in books about making and breaking habits and the psychology of change. When we feel powerless in the grip of alcohol (or cigarettes, or food), I believe it helps to know that this isn't just Me v. Alcohol (or cigarettes or food). Vast amounts of physical and biological and psychological and social and mental things are going on, so "just not drinking" or "just eating less" really isn't quite that simple.
I'm not just being nice or kind to make you feel better. It REALLY IS HARD! This means two things:
1. You need to stop being so hard on yourself on a day when in spite of all your best intentions you end up having an alcoholic drink (or going off track with your nutrition). Instead of spending time berating yourself, use the time to reflect on what happened, and why, and what you're going to do differently to get the different outcome you really want next time.
2. You need to be clear about your "new way". The most powerful concept I've come across on this journey is that no-one BREAKS a habit. You MAKE a new one that replaces the old one. You might think that's a woo-woo meme playing around with some fancy psychobabble. But it's actually true.
You don't STOP doing something. You START doing something else, something new, different, better, healthier. You make a choice to walk towards something you want, and in doing so you walk away from the thing you don't want.
Now of course, that's not all that easy either, but if we have a clear picture of our WHY, the thing we're walking towards, then that's what we hold on to while we work out how to deal with all the other stuff. Yes, the other stuff does need to be dealt with. There's no question about that. But this choice of Old Way or New Way, requires a choice, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, week by week to take action by walking in the other direction. And as we make our new alcohol free habits (what we drink, where we socialise, who we socialise with, how we spend our time and our money) the old ones become less and less powerful and the new ones become more and more powerful.
If you're still in the early days of Sober September, you might not believe it and you may have to trust me on this, but you really will stop even thinking about it (almost) all of the time.
If you think you would benefit from 1-2-1 mentoring to help you discover your WHY and to support you as you pursue your journey to the life you really want, you can make an appointment with me (absolutely no charge and 100% free) using this link :
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