Just letting you know ...

Yesterday we looked at discussing your plan to moderate or go alcohol free for a period with friends or colleagues. Today : the family! 

Now, I know from some posts in the groups I belong to that some partners haven't even noticed that their significant others are taking a break from alcohol. This might work for you if you always pour your own drinks and leave each other to your drinking habits when you're together. But honestly, I think that's rare! And sooner or later I think there's going to be a discussion, so always best in my view to be prepared, even if it's not something that needs to be done right away!  

How this is tackled can vary depending on 

• which family members you are talking to (parents, siblings, partners, children are all likely to have different responses and raise different questions)
  
• the extent to which alcohol-fuelled gatherings matter to your family, or are "traditional" (how are we going to have a great family Christmas if you're not drinking with us)
  
• how your family perceives your alcohol habits (if they really aren't aware of secret or excessive drinking they may think that taking a month off is unnecessary)
  
• the history of your drinking (you won't be the same life and soul of the party without a drink)
  
• the success (or otherwise) of prior attemps to cut back, take a break or stop (and allied to this is the fact that many people who can control their drinking find it totally incomprehensible that someone can't just say no, or just have one glass)
  
• the complexity of the relationships and the extent to which they drive you to drink (literally) 
• the potential impact of change on existing relationships (maybe most important with significant others, especially if you met and bonded over a shared drinking habit)
  

In every case however I think it's important to be sure that you've taken a little time to anticipate their "pain points". In sales that would be called objection handling! In order to make my case it is wise to anticipate the objections or arguments or problems you're likely to raise, and most importantly have balanced answers prepared.  Reactions could range from totally supportive, to incredulity, to frustration, especially if you've tried before.  

Ideally, because it's family, they would be on your side with no questions or objections, but that's probably unrealistic. It's better in my view to plan for a different less positive reaction and not need it than be knocked back by a response you weren't expecting or to which you didn't have an answer.

Equally, don't put words in their mouths.  This is about making your transition to your new relationship with alcohol as easy as possible. Don't make problems, or imagine them, where they don't exist!  

Make sure that discussing your plans includes the following key points: 

• this is your choice choice for you, and give some specifics if you think it would help (weight, anxiety, health, menopause, general discomfort with the amounts you're consuming) - if you're talking to family this may not come as a surprise to them 
• it's just for the coming month (truthfully, as time goes by you may decide that the change is for longer, but we can all - you, your family, and me if you want me to - cross that bridge together when we get there - most sober warriors will also have their own concerns about how to handle the first "any event you can think of" without alcohol but for now the most important thing is to set off on the journey)
• ask for support (and if they cannot find it in themselves to actively support you, at least ask them to not sabotage your plans) - a future blog will give lots of concrete examples of the support your family can give you, but start thinking about that now - what one thing could each person do to help you on your way?
  
• be concrete about the plan and what you're going to do eg you might still be happy to go out to pubs or bars but you'll be the driver and stay alcohol free insead of getting taxis, or you might say that for a week or two, to help you stick to your resolution, you'll stay home but that's not going to be a permanent decision to never go out for a drink ever again 

In all cases, plan what you're going to say as neutrally as possible. People who try to sabotage your plan often see a moderation or abstention decision as an implied criticism of their own drinking, and/or think that you not drinking is going to destroy the relationship you already have.  Future blogs and workshops will cover this in more detail, and 1-2-1 mentoring will enable us to explore the issues in specific circumstances in more detail.

But for now, right at the beginning of your journey I recommend that you take some time to think through the discussion you'll have, the questions or objections that will be raised, and how you're going to talk about them. And of course if there's specific problems or issues don't forget to raise them in the group, in a 1-2-1 mentoring session or seek support from other sober warriors - you aren't the first in this situation and you definitely won't be the last. You've got this!